~42 and Pregnant ....~

~It starts...Meet your true love...marry... live a life...raising the eight children that you were given.....moving on down the road....Really feeling that the huge holes in the journey are far behind you....We had already battled the monsters....moved the mountains.....having the outlook..you and I together..."HEY WE CAN DO IT ALL"....already grandparents at 34 and 36.....and made it through some of the scary things kids bring ...from broken bones , Misfortunes and  illnesses .... But is that reality ??? Or something along the lines of being arrogant ???


The back story....we had many children.... but not all made it...A hard thing in life to face. Many miscarriages plus  a small son put to rest....That one still hurts most of all. He would have made number  eight  ....But he was not meant  to be. So.....
With broken heavy hearts Greg and I chose to be done with this part of our lives together....in a way ..The thought was quit while your still ahead ...We were taking our chips...cashing in and leaving the game...We felt the stakes were just too high now.....Loosing our son ... Greg almost  made a widower with seven children to raise alone...due to the blood loss and emergency surgery.  We decided....enough was enough....Later that year...to our surprise We were blessed with Sierra number nine in November of 2002 . We were done.....Actions were made to prevent anymore pregnancies . And so we lived that life for ten years. Watching our family grow...working hard...helping our eldest daughter with her family...being young grand parents... celebrating  Holidays and special days ..traveling ....life if you think about it ,was all in all pretty good. Everyone was healthy ...Grand grades....money not so much an issue .

About six weeks ago we were thrown a curve ball out of left field ..... I was now... pregnant.
I can tell you. this.....I completely panicked !!!!! Greg..Stunned!!!!!!    How could this have happened ?!?!?! I though a vasectomy was as good as it could be on not getting pregnant......Hmmm...I was wrong.
I just turned 42...I'm a grandmother to three little ones and the mother of  8 children...which  four of them are adults already....And here I stand....on the abyss of a life I walked away from so many years ago.

I am not the kind of mum wanting to relive the baby era . I wonder....What is this suppose to teach me??? I do research on my age realm and being with child and this is what comes up....I'm screwed!!!! I'm short!! I'm old...I'm fat!!! {{No matter I just lost 52 pounds}}...I'm in danger of this that and the other thing {From High blood pressure , preeclamsia ,birth defects and  higher risk of cancer}....Since when was being pregnant..a scare tactic???? There is nothing out there in the big open air to give me peace with this...no blogs...no stories....reports...Nothing!!! Nothing at all.....Again...I'm screwed!!!

I have gone to lean on my friends and family for this one...seeking insight...humor...or just a tether to keep me grounded .... These  people that know me best....From being a baby..little girl....through my teen life..and in to adulthood....and for that..I'm grateful .They keep me sane....


Fast forward...."Mother's Day"...still not feeling this whole being pregnant....can I do this..again???? Really??? Be the caregiver  to someone??? I have become rather selfish and vain  in ten plus years. I had to give up my vices ...High heels{on the chopping block}..dancing..Late nights....smoking..coffee...and the glass of wine for time to time....Hell , more then my own mother gave up..but hey that was the way of 1969-70  for you....This baby didn't ask for a the toxins....So thus the day I found out..I quit. 



So as of today...this where I stand....in the unknown....but While I'm here..let's look back for a moment....

  .

~A Voice ~

Last night as I was safe and warm in my bed.....I heard a voice. A voice I heard as a child long ago. A voice calling from far , far away. "Karen" the voice called....more then once ... It was the voice of my father...which I haven't heard in over 14 years now. And... It hit me in that moment ...How I truly miss my father. A strong and chilled man...very difficult  to get close to . Before you begin to think he has passed away.....he has not. He has chosen to not talk with me for what ever reason he holds. A rather sad thing really. To have a daughter and not speak with her is at times hard for me to comprehend and at times...very hard to bare . I miss the wisdom he could share with me....I am sadden he has missed so much of his grandchildren and Great grand children's  lives.  He is not the only one who has taken this course of action where I am concerned.....there are other family members as well. Again... a rather sad thing. You see...I have many children and all who would love to know my side of the family...They would live forever in their hearts. But they do not. I have over the years talked of these family ghosts from my past ...Shown my children faded  photographs , a time caught forever  in a still frame....and to be honest....they no longer seem to be real people to me any longer . It feels as though the  stories I  have recited  to my children and grandchildren  are..but lies... or even perhaps make believe stories of a time that maybe didn't truly happen .....Perhaps??? I have begun to wonder that fact.With no rime nor reason... For Years I have tried to reach out to this fantasy family of long ago......and I have grown tired of trying.....just too tired to try nor care anymore.
I have been asked, what will I make of the New Year??? After much pondering ......and with great care..I came to the conclusion of just what I will do.... I will move on ......  

I have people {My Friends} in my life that may not be blood family....But , They all have stepped up with honor to be what my family could not .These people all filled the empty slots in my family's lives. They all do this with love and grace...and for that I am truly blessed. My children have and had grandmothers that adored them . Countless Uncles and Aunts that have shown them the way.... with a loving and caring heart... They all carry and share their  wisdom that my children crave ....and will take the time to talk and listen to them......really... listen. How Grand!!!
 ...And...
On Christmas Eve ....we shared that night with....our....family!!
    
~Love and Cheers to the New Year~