Yes...yes I did. And I was sadden that I would most certain have to wait til my next life time to hold you ...to know you ...to love you.
Life...what a trip!!! The life choice to be a mum came with way more then I ever planned !! I grew up with dis function at the highest with selfish parents .But hey ,survived it!!
I wasn't promised a rose garden and rainbows at every turn... Fancy cars in courtyard....A huge house.....trips to sunny places I read about in class .Truth be told ,I like , no L.O.V.E. vacations at Disneyland when time allows .But I was promised that life can be better. I was promised the love of a good and hard working man ,who loves kids is a blessing. Good thing ,since we had a few .
Number ten in line,Dante is already a funny kid
He laughs
He has a bright light and spirit
I look at him in wonder everyday..."We have a baby" ..."How did we get a baby??"
But again ,truth be told ,I thought and said that about every baby I had ,and the son who stayed but a moment in time before returning back to the heavens .Oh...how I love them all so!!!!
~Back in the day when I thought six children was alot~
It is the little things in life that make me love being a mum . Since becoming a new mum again , yet another door has open that was once closed...case in point.."BATH TIME "
There are so many extras that add to make bath time fun...Bubbles, rubber ducks {A must have in my book}lavender infused wash clothes , bath tints , tub crayons and some super hero toys for good measure .
After a long day of playing ,exploring ,napping ,crawling after our house cat Dina ,and dinner time with Dad...
It is time for some water fun.
When I see him I can't help but think of that Bobby Darin song from 1958 .....
~¨*•♪♫•*~¨*•♪♫•*"Splish Splash, I was takin' a bath"~¨*•♪♫•*~¨*•♪♫•*
And at the end of the night ,after all said and done ,Hugs and kisses from his siblings plus a few reads of his favorite bedtime book of 'How Do Dinosaurs Say Good Night"
This same time last year , I was worried about the baby I carried .Would he be healthy ??? Would he be normal ??? Would I carry him to term ??? How will my other children {His siblings} see him?? Would they love him ??? And the biggest question I had was...Am I too old to have him?? Would I ....could I be able to keep up with him ???
He turned 7 months old just the other day.....and I watch in wonder at his leaps and bounds .
...Listening to his laughter...his first words....trying new foods for the first time...and crawling.
Silly now to think of all my time and energy wasted on such silly worries. Thinking about it...He opened doors long since closed to certain parts of my life. The fun to be had at new experiences once done for his siblings before him...Fireworks....Road trips...Ice-cream cones....The river for the first time....Swimming in the pool....
I never thought I would be a mum again....So happy and blessed I am. I find it harder to remember life without this bright eyed little baby boy...and in some ways...I was waiting for him.
What is more grand then attending a tag sale.... you come across a box or two filled with treasures...$2 later...you are like a kid at Christmas . I have always had a vintage love....What others may dismiss as old and useless ...I see it as GRAND!! Case in point....
... A little girl and her treasures, her life in a box out for sale....
..Baby toys ,Birthday cards from her parents ,gloves from her First Communion....
..Sunglasses from her teens....old film reels ,some with film still on them...Buttons and tiny postcards....
....... Dated June 24th 1945 ......
......When I come across thing such as these , I can't help but think of one of my favorite movies The Sound of Music with Julie Andrews singing .....
....Come to think of it....the first time I saw this ,it was with my grandmother and she turned to me and asked ,"Karen ,do think you will have a big family ?" HaHa!! I guess I did . To this day she lets me know how proud she is of me and my crew!! Hmmm....off to ring her now =)
If someone told me I would be "in this place" in my life ... I would have said to them they were mad. Ah...what a year brings....Happiness ,sorrow ,hopes made ,dreams dreamt ,friends you once held dear , gone before their time ,letters not written back and phone calls never made. Life is an odd thing...it come with details you didn't expect . I was blessed with a new love of my life...a new son.... on a blizzard filled day in December ....
He came to the world in the usual way , and he was/is prefect .
He grows before my eyes ,surround by his sisters and brother who adore him!!! A proud father who rushes home everyday to hold him. Sadly there is his grandmother who died just a few hours after he arrived. She never saw her newest grandson. This year brought losses I never thought would come to pass...but that is life..right?
As I sit here to write...a baby sleeps in my arms with not a care in the world ...save and sound .Two kids curled up in my bed watching Netfliks .....two more teenage daughters home from work quietly chatting about their day and the plans of tomorrow ....and one of my eldest arrived home after a tough day with beer in hand asking for my time....and I smile...for they will still come and talk with me.
......Life may not be going in the direction I thought it may....Blessed all the same to be on the journey.
~It starts...Meet your true love...marry... live a life...raising the eight children that you were given.....moving on down the road....Really feeling that the huge holes in the journey are far behind you....We had already battled the monsters....moved the mountains.....having the outlook..you and I together..."HEY WE CAN DO IT ALL"....already grandparents at 34 and 36.....and made it through some of the scary things kids bring ...from broken bones , Misfortunes and illnesses .... But is that reality ??? Or something along the lines of being arrogant ???
The back story....we had many children.... but not all made it...A hard thing in life to face. Many miscarriages plus a small son put to rest....That one still hurts most of all. He would have made number eight ....But he was not meant to be. So.....
With broken heavy hearts Greg and I chose to be done with this part of our lives together....in a way ..The thought was quit while your still ahead ...We were taking our chips...cashing in and leaving the game...We felt the stakes were just too high now.....Loosing our son ... Greg almost made a widower with seven children to raise alone...due to the blood loss and emergency surgery. We decided....enough was enough....Later that year...to our surprise We were blessed with Sierra number nine in November of 2002 . We were done.....Actions were made to prevent anymore pregnancies . And so we lived that life for ten years. Watching our family grow...working hard...helping our eldest daughter with her family...being young grand parents... celebrating Holidays and special days ..traveling ....life if you think about it ,was all in all pretty good. Everyone was healthy ...Grand grades....money not so much an issue .
About six weeks ago we were thrown a curve ball out of left field ..... I was now... pregnant.
I can tell you. this.....I completely panicked !!!!! Greg..Stunned!!!!!! How could this have happened ?!?!?! I though a vasectomy was as good as it could be on not getting pregnant......Hmmm...I was wrong.
I just turned 42...I'm a grandmother to three little ones and the mother of 8 children...which four of them are adults already....And here I stand....on the abyss of a life I walked away from so many years ago.
I am not the kind of mum wanting to relive the baby era . I wonder....What is this suppose to teach me??? I do research on my age realm and being with child and this is what comes up....I'm screwed!!!! I'm short!! I'm old...I'm fat!!! {{No matter I just lost 52 pounds}}...I'm in danger of this that and the other thing {From High blood pressure , preeclamsia ,birth defects and higher risk of cancer}....Since when was being pregnant..a scare tactic???? There is nothing out there in the big open air to give me peace with this...no blogs...no stories....reports...Nothing!!! Nothing at all.....Again...I'm screwed!!!
I have gone to lean on my friends and family for this one...seeking insight...humor...or just a tether to keep me grounded .... These people that know me best....From being a baby..little girl....through my teen life..and in to adulthood....and for that..I'm grateful .They keep me sane....
Fast forward...."Mother's Day"...still not feeling this whole being pregnant....can I do this..again???? Really??? Be the caregiver to someone??? I have become rather selfish and vain in ten plus years. I had to give up my vices ...High heels{on the chopping block}..dancing..Late nights....smoking..coffee...and the glass of wine for time to time....Hell , more then my own mother gave up..but hey that was the way of 1969-70 for you....This baby didn't ask for a the toxins....So thus the day I found out..I quit.
So as of today...this where I stand....in the unknown....but While I'm here..let's look back for a moment....
Last night as I was safe and warm in my bed.....I heard a voice. A voice I heard as a child long ago. A voice calling from far , far away. "Karen" the voice called....more then once ... It was the voice of my father...which I haven't heard in over 14 years now. And... It hit me in that moment ...How I truly miss my father. A strong and chilled man...very difficult to get close to . Before you begin to think he has passed away.....he has not. He has chosen to not talk with me for what ever reason he holds. A rather sad thing really. To have a daughter and not speak with her is at times hard for me to comprehend and at times...very hard to bare . I miss the wisdom he could share with me....I am sadden he has missed so much of his grandchildren and Great grand children's lives. He is not the only one who has taken this course of action where I am concerned.....there are other family members as well. Again... a rather sad thing. You see...I have many children and all who would love to know my side of the family...They would live forever in their hearts. But they do not. I have over the years talked of these family ghosts from my past ...Shown my children faded photographs , a time caught forever in a still frame....and to be honest....they no longer seem to be real people to me any longer . It feels as though the stories I have recited to my children and grandchildren are..but lies... or even perhaps make believe stories of a time that maybe didn't truly happen .....Perhaps??? I have begun to wonder that fact.With no rime nor reason... For Years I have tried to reach out to this fantasy family of long ago......and I have grown tired of trying.....just too tired to try nor care anymore.
I have been asked, what will I make of the New Year??? After much pondering ......and with great care..I came to the conclusion of just what I will do.... I will move on ......
I have people {My Friends} in my life that may not be blood family....But , They all have stepped up with honor to be what my family could not .These people all filled the empty slots in my family's lives. They all do this with love and grace...and for that I am truly blessed. My children have and had grandmothers that adored them . Countless Uncles and Aunts that have shown them the way.... with a loving and caring heart... They all carry and share their wisdom that my children crave ....and will take the time to talk and listen to them......really... listen. How Grand!!!
...And...
On Christmas Eve ....we shared that night with....our....family!!
